I blinked at the flash of light as the roar of white noise receded. I was standing in a lobby.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A man said my name and handed me a badge and some papers. \u201cYour talk is at four tomorrow\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The room swam and shimmied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another man steadied me. \u201cFeeling a bit woozy? That should pass soon.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I blinked and nodded, but he looked concerned. \u201cWould you like a cup of tea?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nodded and he lead me to a folding chair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo you have any shellfish allergies?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo, but I\u2019m vegan.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, well, we\u2019ll get you a glass of water then. Do you have any friends here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMaybe you\u2019d like to check into your hotel room? Are you staying at the Hilbert?\u201d Without waiting he looked at my welcome pack. \u201cYes, you\u2019re in room 1024. Why don\u2019t you drop off your bags there now?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
An hour later, I stood much more steadily in the main convention hall. I was still blank on most details about arriving or even deciding to come, but I knew I was at CVQ Con. A legendary mix of academics, arts, industry, and cosplayers. Fans compared it to Burning Man and Comic Con mashed up with Coachella. I\u2019d never been to any of those, but now I was in exhibit hall B, next to the Prion Disease booth! I surveyed the crowd excitedly. A queue snaked up to the prion booth, who were giving away free lobster slushies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I frowned and decided to go to the most famous CVQ Con standby, the \u201cbottomless\u201d ball pit. The signs for the pit meandered around the hall like traversing an Ikea. I looked for a shortcut, but my printed map and the posted maps seemed to be mirror images of each other. I walked, following the signs, until I was again in front of the prion booth. Damn it. But, wait, didn\u2019t the booth have a sign with black letters on a white background? This one had white letters on a black background. How many prion booths does one con need? I kept following the ball pit signs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I walked I looked at my phone. Social media revealed that I did have friends there, but mostly not people I knew in real life. \u201cI\u2019m on the grass, come find me,\u201d Agatha posted. But where was the grass? Not only had I not seen any outdoor space since arriving, I hadn\u2019t even seen anything that resembled an exterior wall. The centre seemed improbably huge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I turned left and found myself in the food hall and suddenly realised I was starving. The first vendor sold lobster bisque. The second sold fried lobster sticks. The third, lobster cakes. Lobster burgers. Lobster dogs. A large banner proclaimed that the food was \u201cProudly Sponsored by International Lobster.\u201d My head started to hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I went to the nearest stall. \u201cCan I just get a cup of black coffee?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSure!\u201d The barista started up the grinder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo lobster!\u201d I joked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The grinding stopped. \u201cOh, sorry.\u201d she said. \u201cWe can\u2019t do lobster-free coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat?? Do you have tea?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She looked apologetic, \u201cYes, but -\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat in the hell?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cInternational Lobster sponsored all the food this year. All of it. Even the vending machines.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh no.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a food truck outside. Over the road by the grass.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhere is that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another customer pushed in front of me. \u201cIf you\u2019re not helping him, can I have a grande lobstercinno?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cComing right up!\u201d said the barista cheerfully. The grinder started again, at least 5 times louder than before. A queue had formed behind me. Giving up, I turned to walk away and nearly crashed into somebody several centimetres shorter than I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cExcuse me, are you Charles?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYes . . .\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI recognise you from your profile picture on the fediverse! It\u2019s nice to meet you in real life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, yeah, amazing! Sorry, who did you say you were?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c@BeatCruelEatcha@squid.party!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, uh, great.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIsn\u2019t this incredible!!\u201d he enthused.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYeah, it\u2019s super cool. I\u2019m kind of a bit hungry, though.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe lobster dogs are fantastic!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYeah. I\u2019m vegan. I don\u2019t even know where to get a cup of tea.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOhhhhh\u201d he thought \u201cI actually came for the lobster tea. It\u2019s really good. If you like lobster, I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cUh, ok.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSay, have you been to the bottomless ball pit? I heard it was closed because somebody peed in it. But then somebody else said it was filling up with lobster.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNot food!\u201d he clarified. \u201cApparently the basement of the centre is International Lobster\u2019s main processing facility. All the pipes running everywhere are pneumatic lobster tubes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked at a nearby pillar which did have some large pipes attached to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIf you put your ear to them, you can hear the lobsters whizzing by.\u201d He placed his ear on the pipe and, unsure what to think, I also had a listen. After a moment, there came a rattling zing, as if something had quickly swept by. \u201cDid you hear that?\u201d He exclaimed. \u201cIt\u2019s their pressurised lobster system! It\u2019s revolutionised the shellfish industry!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWow.\u201d I laughed nervously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAnyway, I heard that one of the pipes under the ball pit ruptured and it\u2019s been filling up with lobsters.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat sounds bad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIf it keeps up, they\u2019ll have to evacuate the centre!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As he spoke, a klaxon rang out overhead. \u201cWould guests please proceed to the nearest exit\u201d said a posh, pre-recorded voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat did I tell you!\u201d BeatCruelEatcha said proudly. \u201cAre you staying at the Hilbert? The monorail station to the hotel is just to the left there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I woke up the next morning with a hangover that could inspire epic poetry. I don\u2019t normally drink, but there had been mead. Little food. Arguments about Marxism. Furries? I found alka seltzer laid out on my bedside label next to a scrawled note I couldn\u2019t read.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Half an hour later, I saw it said \u201c4pm paper\u201d. Oh god, the paper. What was it about? Had I even written it? I found half a slide presentation on my computer and the details slowly came back to me. I made more slides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Microsoft teams chimed to life. \u201cGood luck on your paper!\u201d said a message from my boss. The fan on my computer started racing. Oh no! I switched back to my presentation software to hit control-S but the windowing system froze on the Teams alert. The fan reached supersonic speeds. The screen went black, the presentation changes lost forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ninety minutes later, presentation sorted, but feeling very woozy, I bought a faux lobster roll from the takeaway just outside the train station. It seemed to squirm in my hands and wriggled free, falling to the ground and rolling into a storm grate as I heard my train arrive. They only came every half an hour. I ran for the platform, but it pulled away as I cleared the ticket gates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I went to the station guard. \u201cCan I get out to get a snack while I wait for the next train.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019d have to buy another ticket.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat, really?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSorry, company policy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I sat and my head spun. I couldn\u2019t do a day of no food with a head like this. I looked up at the sky in despair and it seemed purplish. The banner over the platform said \u201cWelcome to CVQCon2023.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
BeatCruelEatcha, sat down next to me. He\u2019d grown a full beard since I\u2019d seen him the previous night. \u201cYou too, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d I noticed a lobster on the platform. It seemed to glance at a wrist watch. Another lobster came to stand next to it. It was holding a tiny newspaper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe fast train that just left – it\u2019s temporal flux adjuster is out of alignment. It\u2019s cast us all into 2023.\u201d He gestured at the large, white blank spot floating in front of me. \u201cIt\u2019s why those voids are everywhere. 2023 isn\u2019t built yet.\u201d A train honked in the distance. \u201cThat\u2019s our train,\u201d he said standing up. The honking got louder and louder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I open my eyes to the insistent beeping of my alarm. I don\u2019t normally drink, but I had a hangover that could inspire epic poetry. On my bedside table was some alka seltzer and a note I couldn\u2019t read.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Half an hour later, I was making slides for a presentation, pressing save after every change. Just as I finished, my boss sent a Teams message wishing me luck. The computer crashed and I left my room. I was half way to the train station when I realised I hadn\u2019t brought my ID badge and went back for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I bought a faux lobster roll outside the station and dropped it. I heard the train coming, but missed it. I sat down with an overwhelming sense of deja vu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A woman sat down next to me. \u201cAre you Charles?\u201d She asked. \u201cActually, I know you\u2019re Charles. I met you last night, but I have a feeling you might not remember.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I frowned. \u201cI\u2019ve had a totally mundane but entirely peculiar morning.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI can imagine. Anyway, last night, you asked me to remind you that there\u2019s vegan food next to the bottomless ball pit, which is next to the room where your paper is.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIsn\u2019t the ball pit full of lobsters?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat? It\u2019s full of bottoms. Every year, people think this is the funniest joke, too many people pile in and it breaks. Again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI see.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAlso, your paper time has changed. You should head straight to the room when you arrive.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThank you! You\u2019re very helpful!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI the chair of your paper session. I\u2019ve also had an odd morning. I had the most incredible dream about our session topic.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019ve thrown away all my notes and am going to relay my dream instead!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The room with the paper session was mostly empty and seemed to throb with hangover. I kept thinking I saw lobsters from the corners of my eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
With great enthusiasm, the chair launched into the presentation from her dream. Like everything else that day it seemed familiar. Too familiar. It was the first half of my paper!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I blinked in disbelief, with no idea what to do. Everyone was looking at me. Not because they knew what had happened but because it was now my turn to talk. I panicked. \u201cUm, following on from that . . .\u201d I skipped to my new slides and started from the middle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cPoppycock!\u201d someone shouted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I squinted at the audience. There were only about three people there. \u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThis is completely derivative and utterly mundane.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I couldn\u2019t tell who was speaking. From the corner of my eye, I thought I saw my dropped breakfast tumble past. The fire alarm went off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, this is another dream\u201d I said into the microphone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWould guests please proceed to the nearest exit\u201d said a posh pre-recorded voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I waited to wake up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou need to evacuate\u201d said the paper chair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m certain I must be dreaming right now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat may be so, but you still need to evacuate.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We walked single file into a corridor and down the stairs. A faux lobster roll bounced along side me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSorry, I dropped my breakfast\u201d said a man behind me. It was BeatCruelEatcha, clean shaven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIs two alarms in two days normal for this event?\u201d I asked him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh no, not at all.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat\u2019s good.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt\u2019s normally much higher.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI think I\u2019m going home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, but you\u2019ll miss the dancing lobster!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m too hung over for this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m not surprised.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I thought for a moment. \u201cLobsters aren\u2019t normally a dancing species, are they? I mean, don\u2019t they usually just scuttle?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We reached the pavement. I looked up at the convention centre and saw flames coming from the windows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I arrived home the next morning. \u201cYou\u2019re back early!\u201d my spouse said, \u201cHow did you paper go?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI got heckled by a lobster roll and then the convention centre burned to the ground.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI thought you were vegan?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt was faux lobster.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, that reminds me. A bunch of postcards arrived for you while you were gone. I\u2019m not sure what they\u2019re about.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On the table there was a stack of at least 20 vintage postcards, mostly bearing the names of towns in Maine. They all had pictures of lobsters. \u201cPoppycock!\u201d they said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat the fuck?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThere\u2019s one more.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This one had a picture of Dali\u2019s lobster phone. \u201cI found your paper to be very salient and was disappointed when you were interrupted.\u201d Like the others, it was unsigned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen did these arrive?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYesterday morning.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat? All of them?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh no. The Dali one arrived earlier.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She shrugged and went to to answer a knock at the door. \u201cDid you order this?\u201d I heard her call to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A delivery driver was at the door with five cases of lobster. I looked at the labels. \u201cThese are for next door.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAs I was just saying, your neighbour asked if you could take them if they\u2019re not in.\u201d said the driver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYeah, fine\u201d I said. The boxes were vented on the sides and I peered into them. The lobsters were alive. One of them was wearing a wrist watch. \u201cWhat the hell?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cKeep them in a cool place, out of direct sunlight.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt\u2019s wearing a wristwatch!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The driver gave me a look. \u201cThey have rubber bands to keep them from pinching you, but you should still avoid sticking your fingers in the boxes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t seem yourself\u201d said my spouse when we were back at the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI feel like I\u2019m seeing lobster everywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt\u2019s just a coincidence.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo, I mean out of the corners of my eyes. In the train stations, under our bed, lurking in the dark.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The lobsters in their boxes all started to move.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey\u2019re dancing.\u201d I said.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I blinked at the flash of light as the roar of white noise receded. I was standing in a lobby. A man said my name and handed me a badge and some papers. \u201cYour talk is at four tomorrow\u201d. The room swam and shimmied. Another man steadied me. \u201cFeeling a bit woozy? That should pass … Continue reading #CVQCon2022<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":4,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"anyone","activitypub_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[348],"tags":[416,417,418],"class_list":["post-5186","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","tag-cvqcon2022","tag-fediverse","tag-horror"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5186","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5186"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5186\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5187,"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5186\/revisions\/5187"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5186"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5186"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.celesteh.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5186"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}