Michael Jackson

Ok, I read the news reports about the trial. I admit it. I do it for the titillation. But I am no longer titillated at the deeply homophobic turn things are taking. You see, Mr. Jackson has a few books that show images of adult men engaged in sexual acts with each other. Should he be allowed around children if he has gay porn?????!!!!???

This would maybe be funny, except the prosecutors are asking witnesses this and they’re saying “no” and it’s being presented to the jury as “evidence” that Jackson is a pedophile.
Images of adult men.
Is it 1985? I thought we were past the all-gay-men-are-pedophiles bullshit.
So I own the Tom of Finland book. And an old boss gave me a book of art photography nudes. Some of the nudes are children. Apparently, the possession of these books (they’re up on a high shelf) shows that I’m a pedophile. Not that we’re homophobic or anti-art in the unites states. It’s just that all queers are evil alien others who are going to hell.
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Recording

Ok, so I didn’t do much packing today. I recorded a double-CD thinge with Braxton that’s going to be released, um, maybe next year some time. Apparently, I’ll be getting money for this. I said, “I’m only in this for the coins.” but that’s not true. Getting coins from music is just gravy. Andrew Dewar did the recording.

So now I’m an avant-garde tuba player. It was making me nervous playing in front of andrew, because he plays a lot more than I do and I’m always comparing myself to everybody else here. I’m going to spend my summer practicing scales, so I can figure out what notes to play much faster instead of going for random. Also, I think I rely on didjeridoo textures too much or rather, I don’t have enough variations in my textures. I’m not sure. Anyway, so it made me nervous. I was gripping my horn with a death grip in my left hand. After the first set, my hand was numb. Yeah, my left hand doesn’t do anything but steady the horn. thing #2 to practice is having a loser grip.
So hours of playing tuba is kind of exhausting. I was playing some stuff that was kind of physically intense and loud and it’s pretty draining. I love the tuba because of it’s physicality. I really feel connected to my horn, more like I think a vocalist feels about her or his voice than a guitarist might feel about her axe. Like, there are some low notes that I play that actually rattle my eyeballs. Everything gets blurry when I play them. It kind of shakes my whole head all the time actually and makes my nose itch from the vibration. This is probably bad for me somehow, alas. The medical profession always views the tuba with suspicion. Bah. It doesn’t hurt my wrist at all though, except when I hold the thumb trigger down, I learned today. I felt like I was playing too much in C, because that’s my open note, so I was holding down the thumb trigger to change my key. I don’t recall what note the trigger plays.
So near the end, I guess I was hitting my fourth valve too hard because the paddle came loose from the rotor. I’m into the half valving thing, but it’s kind of inconvenient having the rotor move on it’s own. I cursed during taping. Alas. I also sniffled a few times because of my poor vibrated nose. The bit driver on my pocket knife is exactly the right size for screwing my tuba back together. It can also dismantle/remantle a mac laptop.
When I play with Braxton, I try to use forms from his music, like ideas from ghost trance or language musics. In general, playing with somebody I try to treat it like the game “Set.” I try to do what they’re doing or do the opposite of what they’re doing. Like if he’s playing something high, fast and quiet on the soprano sax, I can’t do high or fast, so I do low and sustained, but I can do quiet, so I do. If somebody’s playing some phrases, I might echo them, but I end up with oddball notes, so it’s like I’m parodying them. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. When I think of playing this way, I think of “Complement or Contrast.” If I’m doing the same ideas, that’s complement and if I’m doing the opposite, that’s contrast. I want to sound like I’m playing with the other person even if it’s a weird combo, like a high pitched saxophone or a clarinet or a flute.
so exhausted. . .
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To Do

  • Return books to library
  • burn CD of concert and give to library + program
  • pack rest of clothes
  • pack cables
  • pack papers
  • wash everything dirty
  • unbolt remainder of synth modules from rack
  • buy nuts or clips or something for SKB case, so I can put synth modules in it
  • figure out if tuba, dog crate, week of clothes, cooler, dog and i all fit in car. do this before movers come.
  • drink last 2 bottles of wine
  • do quick design of disc label, go to science tower, buy printable discs, get discs printed.
  • distribute extra stuff
  • give away old clothes + shoes to charity
  • lunch with neely
  • pay off bills / cancel service: yankee gas, ct light and power, sbc, heating oil company, working assets
  • cingular wireless address change
  • find out if i can close bank account from CA / what to do about crossing country with no ATM card.
  • talk to landlord about how much money she owes me or vice versa
  • set up mail forward thingee
  • clean house

free stuff

  • end table – unclaimed [picture]
  • ugly lamp – unclaimed [picture] (how the hell did I end up hauling this to connecticut in the first place?)
  • purple cd holder thingee – unclaimed (my camera ran out of batteries)
  • wide white bookcase -unclaimed
  • skinny white bookshelf – aaron
  • desk – maybe sabrina wanted this?
  • dining chairs – chris and emily
  • bed – probably carl, but if not, you can buy it. will post later.
  • file cabinet – unclaimed. short. fits under bed’s desk. maybe carl wants it
  • stereo cabinet + stereo – anne + david
  • ugly brown bookcase – give to whomever takes the ugly lamp.

PLEASE tell me if I’m forgetting anything
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William S Burroughs sez

look around you   look at a control machine programmed to select the ugliest, stupidest, most vulgar and degrading sounds for playback which provokes uglier stupider more vulgar and degraded sounds to be recorded and play back more inexorable degradation   look forward to dead end   look forward to ugly vulgar playback tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow what are newspapers doing but selecting the ugliest sound for playback by and large if its ugly its news and if that isn’t enough i quote from the editorial pages of the new york daily news   we can take care of china and if russia intervenes we can take care of that nation too the only good communist is a dead communist lets take care of slave driver castro next door what are we waiting for lets bomb china now and let’s stay armed to the teeth for centuries this ugly vulgar bray put out for mass playback you want to spread hysteria record and playback the most hysterical reactions
marijuana marijuana   why that’s deadlier than cocaine

. . .
only way to break the inexorable downward spiral of ugly uglier ugliest recording and playback is with counterrecording and playback &nbsp the first step is to isolate and cut association lines of the control machine carry a tape recorder with you and record all the ugliest and stupidest things cut you ugly tapes in together speed up slow down play backwards inch the tape   you will hear one ugly voice and see one ugly spirit is made of ugly old prerecordings   the more you run the tapes through and cut them up the less power they will have   cut the prerecordings into thin air
The Ticket That Exploded P 215-7

Yeah, ok, now I see why my advisor wanted me to read this book. This is from the last three pages. With the exception of 4 other pages also towards the end, the entire rest of the book is about anal sex.
I mean, I don’t have anything against anal sex, I just didn’t see what it had to do with my thesis.
Until tonight when I decided maybe I should gather up my library books and maybe finish reading this one and boom, there are the program notes for my Ann Coulter piece. holy shit.
could you imagine if burroughs had a blog? he was down with this lazy punctuation way ahead of the times.
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wanted: podcast client dashboard widget

I want a dashboard widget that can deal with RSS and quietly download mp3s, etc. If the file is a torrent, I want it to automatically get it via bittorrent. When I go look at the widget, I want it to have a play button next to the file name or a button that means send to itunes. This widget should be open source.

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My life lately

Yesterday – day

Yesterday, I was supposed to hand in my thesis for binding at 1:00. I went out the other day and bought acid free 100% cotton thesis paper. But it was 20lbs weight and I needed 24lbs. Kind, Helpful Person who I am fond of and will not name here offered to get me paper while s/he got paper for own self. So I grabbed the paper yesterday morning and went to the lab to print my paper.

My printing account is broken. I don’t care. It bills to the music department anyway, so I can just use the printer in the electronic music studio and I’m not cheating anybody because the same people still pay. So I went to the studio and plugged in my computer and tore open the ream of paper and shouted “oh no! KHP bought the wrong paper!” I had 1.5 hours left in which to solve this problem. KHP almost never makes errors! My advisor was there whilst I started panicking and offered me a ride to office supply chain and dropped me off so he could go to hardware store chain. So I stood waiting for a while , as he was wondering what he was forgetting on the way back to school. (He saved my neck. I bear no ill will.) A strange man approached me and started questioning me. Did office supply chain sell file cabinets? Was I student? Did I want a job? What was my major? What instrument did I play? Did I know of the band “Yes”? He never even went into office supply store. A car pulled up and honked at him and he got in it.
So I went back to school with my third ream of paper and started to print (this is so exciting) or rather did not start to print, since I started getting a million errors. I restarted the printer. I restarted my computer. I became unpleasant. The lab’s computers do not have my font installed. So I decided I would need to export my document as a pdf so I could print it from one of the lab’s computers. However, the pdf document printed fine from my computer. huzzah! I had maybe half an hour left to print 3 x 80-some pages. Just enough time.
as the last copy was finishing, some of the pages fell to the floor and got out of order. I was trying to re-order them and realized I forgot to include page numbers. I had maybe 10 minutes left at this point. I called the grad office and learned that I do not need page numbers. Anybody who wants to cite my thesis is, uh, in trouble for a number of reasons.
Went to grad office with my three printed thesis and picked up my three printed CDs. There’s a CD printer in the science tower. I started burning the CDs. For some reason, they took 15 minutes EACH.
Lunch at Ron’s started at 1:15. I told him that I might be half an hour late. I showed up after 3:00. Indeed.

Yesterday – evening

David and I moved my large rack to Jazapalooza. One of the circuit boards got dented as the back is uncovered. The setup I have is not “gigable,” as they say. So we set up and started playing about 10 minutes late. At least 10 or 20 people came by. People walking by on the street would see the back of my rack and walk in to stare for a minute and then walk out.
the coffee shop people had no idea what they were getting in to. The guys behind the counter were not happy. On them likes something called “Maroon Five” which apparently disqualifies him from judging music. Anyway, the though the gawkers wanted to buy coffee but left because of the music. Oh well. It was uber fun. Playing with a computer person is great because if they sample and tweak what I’m doing, it varies the texture AND it gives me time to stand and think what I want the synth to do next. Breathing room.
It was super fun. We played for like two hours. Some math PhD students came out to hear us. One of them declared he was platonically in love with me. heh.

Today, Tomorrow and the Next Day

Movers are coming monday moring. I have to get everything in order. Tomorrow, I’m recording an album with Braxton. Tonight, I was planning on going to see Charles play at Merkin Hall in NYC. Going out to the city for one evening is such a major pain in the ass. I think I’m going to flake and start packing stuff instead. I am considering the possibility of finding a dog watcher and going to NYC for a few days after I get all my stuff packed and shipped. I hate going into the city for just one day. But for a few days, it’s nice.
I think it is not unreasonable for me to flake. When I get home, I’m going to do a lot of sleeping and then sitting on the beach.

Things I know

  • Doing things at the last minute invites disaster
  • My desire to hide at home indicated that I am turning into my mother and as such:
  • I need to live in a big city when I grow up
  • If I live in the burbs, I’ll be trapped in them like a self-made prison

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Gig Tomorrow Evening

Analog and Digital

Celeste Hutchins and David Jensenius will be playing Wednesday, May 4 at 7:00 PM at Javapalooza, 330 Main Street, Middletown CT

Celeste will be playing her 6-foot tall rack of analog synthesizer modules, which is rarely seen in public. David will be playing the laptop computer. Come by any time around or after 7:00 to hear some electronic experimentalism. Kick up your energy after the Spring Fling with some coffee and tunes.
Free. All ages.
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Performing Sexuality

I was supposed to go to an awards thingee tonight in NYC, but I got confused about the time and ended up flaking. I know I should be all liberated and stuff, but thinking about going into the city by myself actually stresses me out somewhat. It’s so big and full of people and hustling and bustling. Middletown has softened me up and made me suburban. Once I get into the city, I’m usually fine, although I find the lack of personal space stressful, which is more of a problem after a few days of couch surfing and more caused by couch surfing than anything else.

The silver lining here is that I get to go see a performance of Stimmung tonight, which is an insanely complicated vocal piece by Stockhausen. A group has been preparing all semester to sing this. It’s a setting of erotic poetry that apparently Stockhausen wrote. the choral director spoke about this morning, reading naughty snippets in class, including references to “cocks,” “rising semen,” etc. The classroom reverberated with low pitched laughter. And suddenly I was very aware that I was the only woman in the room and felt decidedly uncomfortable.
I felt excluded from the piece in some fundamental way. It’s for a mixed group, but it’s not something I would sing even if I could. I don’t think of myself as a prude, but I wouldn’t want to do. I played tuba in a sex-themed Luc Ferrari piece whilst I was an undergrad in the most male Contemporary Performance Ensemble at Mills. I remember the same low pitched laughter. Didn’t like it much then either. But sex is sex right? I mean, who cares?
I think my problem is that I don’t want to perform male sexuality. It’s not heteronormative as much as it is male-normative. Many or most composers are male. Therefore many or most composers using sex as a metaphor are doing so in a male model. Male sexual response is something that concerns the vast majority of people on this planet. But not me. I never see myself represented, except as can be appropriated by a male voice and put into a male perspective. Not without a major change of heart and/or a lot of not-currently-technically-possible-surgery will this ever apply to me. Maybe I’d feel differently if there was balance, but there isn’t. And the power dynamics culturally inherent in the whole endeavor are offputting.
Also: this is not my art, this is not my place. Women are for singing high pitched lines when a male soprano just doesn’t sound right.
I’ve defended my thesis. I went to my last class today. I have nothing left to do but pack and pay off my student account. The lack of purpose has left me feeling grumpy.
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