fotolog denies me

I am trying to post a comment to a picture on nicole’s fotolog, but it won’t go. So I’ll post it to my blog instead.

Agent Jones stopped dead in her tracks. For weeks, she had been investigating the “connection.” She had followed paper trails, ordered wiretaps and even employed some questionable thugs who could be counted on to provide information for a small incentive. (She had no doubt the incentive all went up their noses, but that wasn”t her problem.) Finally, an anonymous scrap of paper with an address scribbled on it arrived. She checked her glock, made sure it was loaded and filed a report saying she was going to go eyeball the location . . . which turned out to be down the block from her office . . . and had a huge SIGN up in front of it.

She looked up at the sign and suddenly noticed the bright blue sky behind it and the cherry blossoms overhanging. A bird tweeted behind her. She saw suddenly and very instantly how beautiful the world was. ”How long have I been sleepwalking?” She wondered. ”What am I doing? Have colors always been this bright? I have to get out of here.”

She was on the next train to Reno. She didn”t even bother to call Alicia to say she was coming.

I am in Oakland. I should be working on my CCMIX application, but I want to take a few moments to surf the web.
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500 words on why i want to study abroad

500.do({“duh. “.post;});

That’s some supercollider humor there. Um, yeah. so I want to play gigs and make connections i can leverage throughout my career and learn about european approaches to computer music and maybe do some collaborations. and add some kick to my resume. If I’ve played in Europe, I get creds in NY and CA and it will look good on PhD/DMA applications. and the dollar is tanking compared to the Euro and being outside of the US seems like a good idea. And it would be nice to live someplace where I actually had civil rights. And all artists are supposed to kick around Europe for a while. Am I at 500 words yet? I hate writing little essays for applications.
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Doing Applications

I’m always grateful for feedback.

  1. Why did you select to study this major field?

    2. My main life interests have always been computer science and music. When I was an undergraduate, I double-majored in these subjects. When I entered the workforce, I did so as a web programmed and relegated music to a hobby. Unfortunately, the work hours required during the dot com boom did not leave me much time for music. The money was good, but I felt unbalanced. After the bust, I dedicated my time to computer music. Although the money was dismal, I found myself much happier. Other composers encouraged me to apply for graduate school, especially Wesleyan. I’ve found that being here has given me musical knowledge and time to focus on writing music.

  2. What kinds of courses do you plan to take in Germany?

    3. I plan to take computer music courses and courses in installation art. I’m interested in exploring performance aspects, whether through collaborations with artists working on other mediums, or performance as sound sculpture. These topics will expand my compositional range and allow me to grow as an artist.

  3. Describe your interests, hobbies and extracurricular activities.

    4. Since coming to Wesleyan, I’ve focused almost exclusively on music. I’ve played tuba in many informal, extracurricular ensembles. In the past, I’ve played bass guitar in rock bands and improv groups.

    I have a strong interest in political theory, which I read about avidly.

    I’m interested in digital publishing schemes, especially using XML. I take pictures with a digital camera and publish them to the Internet. I wrote Bash and Perl scripts to generate an XML feed from my pictures. When I have time, I hope to write a script for similarly publishing mp3s and thus begin podcasting.

    I am the lead programmer on the Java Just Intonation Calculator, an open source program for calculating tuning ratios.

  4. Describe your work/employment experience.

    5. See attached resume.

  5. Please describe how you will finance your participation in the BW – Exchange.

    6. don’t feel comfortable blogging this one

  6. Do you have a preference for a particular BW university/Hochschule? Why?

    7. I would like to study at the Hochschule für Gestaltung because there is a pre-existing relationship between the Hochschule and the Wesleyan music department. Also, the school is affiliated with ZKM, which has astonishing facilities and provides HfG students an opportunity to interact with artists at ZKM.

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I just called my 7th grade teacher

I’m not sure how to talk about my junior high. Cult-like love fest? Group therapy? a bunch of kids who went through puberty without teasing each other?

Yeah, it was a little different than what I hear from other people’s stories. We were a small class. 12, of us graduated from 8th grade. We were bonded though a bizarre set of adversity and a real respect for each other and a lot of love. This is probably partly why I hated high school so much. Also, I think it has made me a bit credulous and probably has something to do with why I’m so susceptible to reality-distortion. Cuz why would you be mean to somebody else when we’re clearly all in this together, right? We all have crazy drama and crazy stress and we’ve got to be there for each other and if we help each other though the hard times . . .. Can’t we all just get along? Distrust wasn’t necessary.
Anyway, this is not a normal thing for catholic schools. It was all because of Mrs. Behler.
And now back to work on my thesis. I’m going to be reciting random numbers (and wearing my Italian suit) at a free concert tonight at 7:00 in Crowell Concert Hall at Wesleyan University. It’s part of a knee play from einstein on the Beach by Glass.
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reality distortion field

may advisor is able to easily deploy a reality distortion field where your musical ideas change in an unexpected direction or the goals of your project are shifted, or your worries get redirected or future plans get constructed out of the ether. Everything makes a lovely logical sense until he leaves and you start talking about it to somebody else. “Just sneak into the EU via Norway . . .. No wait, that idea is sketch . . .. That’s not a solution.”

It’s a great skill for an artist. Because what is art if not a reframing or a re-thinking of reality and a trip into a different perspective? Um, but maybe it could just stay in art and not seep out in all directions. I am so susceptible to this. “Somebody give me an answer!!! Oh, what a lovely answer! No, that doesn’t work at all. fuck.” say I, far too often.
CCMIX has rolling admissions. I wonder if I can manage to pay to live in Paris for a year.
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Why would anyone write back to my email?

Bah.

I woke up this morning feeling sooooo angsty. Unbeleivable levels of angst. Is it the late winter snow or what? then I went off to improvise with Anthony Braxton and he’s an angsty guy too. The level of angst was high and stressed ack-i’m-running-late energy from both of us and then we sat down and played . . .
and it was magical. I’m going to try to play my tuba every day. or a synthesizer. but a computer doesn’t count. Anthony was talking about how music makes him sane etc, etc etc. It’s true for me too. sometimes musicians look down as elitists on non-art types. “how sad for them to have no art” we say. But they should look down on us. “how sad for them that they get paralyzed with angst if they don’t play a tuba. what a handicap.”
i generated some email asking about study abroad next year. IRCAM’s deadline was in October. I’ve heard that CCMIX has a late deadline. I dunno. Friday evening in Paris by the time I emailed. Maybe I’ll hear Monday. And my advisor wants me to email him about my thesis but is as bad at reading email as I am. So, just like with the German exchange folks, I’m not going to hear squat. The german exchange here is good for any university in Germany. Maybe I could go to Berlin or Köln or a big city. I wonder how I would go about researching music schools in Germany . . . before the start of spring break. AND write my thesis.
My computer has almost all of my applications working now and all the data is happy, as far as I can tell. I think I should go work all day tomorrow in the studio, as I have an idea that being in a more public place will enable me to concentrate better. It’s hard to sit home alone and work. also, periodic interactions with people prevent me from stewing in angst.
Major sources of angst include thesis (big cloud of doom hanging over head) and study abroad (what will i do next year, ack) and gf (why would she want to go to Karlsruhe, does this mean the end). And if matt, anne judy and everyone else I’ve talked to all say negative things, why do I want to go? A couple of those people have a certain tendency to take a more balanced view of things. As in, for all the drama and frustration and my near constant whining, I see my experience at Wesleyan as completely positive. Some of BW exchange alums took their Wesleyan frustrations more to heart and can’t say that their experience was completely positive. Which is to say that I tend to overstate the positive in a way that makes me rate things more positively than others might given my same experience.
bah. doom. maybe i should just be doing phD applications.
and writing my thesis
maybe i should take next year off get a job.
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Going Abroad

Ok, so next year, I really want to study abroad. I’m thinking someplace in continental Europe. I’m applying for Wesleyan’s exchange program where I would go to Karlsruhe. But . . . several of the last people who went have not said good things about it. One guy was unable to answer the question whether he had gotten anything out of the experience. I’ve been pushing forward anyway, because I really want to go abroad and because I speak some German and I’m sure it will work out somehow and I really want to have some sure thing for next year . . . but . . . today I heard a professor say something about how you didn’t want to spend any more time in Karlsruhe than was strictly necessary. Ok, red flags are starting to pop up. Or rather, I’m starting to notice them.

I should find a different way to go abroad, I guess. I talked to my advisor about this and he told me I should go to Karlsruhe. He’s always promoting it despite unhappy grads from the last three years. Maybe the CT department of education has him on the take . . .. Um, but seriously. Several people I know have applied to C.C.M.I.X.. Every person I know who has applied has gotten in. Most have not gone because it’s not a funded program. I know that sustainability as a composer means people paying me instead of vice versa. But a year in Paris could be very groovy. If this program sounds familiar to you, it’s cuz Christi went there in 2003-4. . . . Which is a bit of a complexity, or not. I know she had a positive experience. And she’s not in Paris anymore. And Paris has a very nifty music scene. Getting in on it would be very valuable connections.
If you know of any year long music program in Europe, tell me about it. I’m electronically focussed and not very academic (in the Milton Babbit sort of way). There’s also IRCAM, but would I have to know how to speak French before I arrived?
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