Meetings

When I was a youth, I went to a couple of queer youth group meetings. This was my first and (and only until today) experience with support groups. Only it was more like “go to these meetings until you find somebody to sleep with.” I went to two of them and then met a hot chick.

Anyway, today I went to a support group for very very queer folks. Queerer than me. I’m not really supposed to talk about it. I don’t think I’m really a support group sort of person. For one thing, I don’t like being supportive. No, it’s just weird. I mean, whatever. Not my scene. Not my group. Not my thing. I was totally out of place.
I’m really just a boring dykey dyke soft butch lesbian. But that’s so dull, I want to branch out to be queerer and queerer. And I mean, other queers are my brothers and sisters in queerness and I can go to the same parade as them and relate to some of their issues, but I’d like not to go to their meetings.
I’m going to the Lex later this week sometime. More details to follow.
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I passed my french class!

I saw my final after it was graded and I think I might have actually earned a passing grade. Insane. I missed every question on devoir, however.

We went to Lane Splitter Pizza in the evening to celebrate the end of the class and the teacher came and announced that we all passed. So I drank a few pints to celebrate. And one of the waitresses saw me looking at a sculpture out in the beer garden and said, “Didn’t I see you playing at Luggage Store last night? You were good.”
Also, my binder came in the mail yesterday and fits great and is comfortable and effective, although not easy to get on and off. I can wear it and play didjeridoo at the same time. Prolly tuba too.
Mercury must be out of retrograde.
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Tales of Woe

Last night, I went on BART, my favorite subway system, carrying on my person: A tuba, a backpack and a powered monitor speaker. In the backpack, there was a laptop, a mixing board, several power adaptors, a power splitter, a microphone and many cables. Each of these things alone could be characterized as “heavy.” I think I should invest in a wheeled contraption on which some of these things could rest, rather than carrying all of them.

So I set up my computer thingee and sound checked it and it sounded ok, if a little weird. It’s the patch I wrote for the Garden of Memory concert and I haven’t played it since. I only had one speaker (thank god), so I was playing mono. It would be fast enough to re-figure out. So we started playing and I was not getting any kind of consistent sound, mostly static. I looked at my mic input level and it was way down and then it was peaking, all over the place. So I was trying to troubleshoot while playing, which is always um.. special. I think either my mixingboard, mic cable or microphone is broken, or perhaps a bad cable. I dunno. I picked up my tuba and started playing that instead. Thank goodness for doubling.
It was alright. I like playing duets with wind instruments because it’s easier to keep track of and I’ve got a lot of vocabulary in common. I was playing with three other very talented musicians on double bass, saxophone and guitar. It was much more complicated and our vocabularies were all different. (Also, the guitar player was getting awesome electronic-y sounds and I was NOT! curses!) I dunno what people thought. I took off before the end so I could study for my French exam. For some reason, I had very little problem managing my belongings coming into the city, but on the way back, it was difficult to keep my backpack on my shoulders and too keep the speaker balanced on top of it.
And so I made sure to get enough sleep and this morning I awoke, ate breakfast, took vitamins and studied. For the first time in a while, everything seemed to be logical and fit in place. Woot. Then I biked to school and sat down to take the test.
And could not remember a damn thing.
I haven’t failed a class since 8th grade (I failed music and computers, for those of you who are curious). Failure, as they say, is not an option. If I fail a class, then I don’t get into a good college. If I fail a class, then I don’t get my degree. Hell, if I drop a class, I don’t graduate on time and end up paying a lot of extra money cuz school is expensive. So I don’t drop and I don’t fail.
I took a calculus class in junior college that I got a wholly undeserved B in. This is really my only hope for French class. I made sure to say in my godawful essay that I would speak great French once I’ve been in France for a little while and that why I took the class. If I got any of the tenses right (which I did not), it may even have been comprehensible. Have pity on me!
On the other hand, if I do fail the class, maybe I’ll go on to have some sort of exciting french-language career, like with the last classes I failed.
Playing a gig the night before the final wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done, but I don’t think it actually made very much difference. I dunno. I got paid less than my bart faire. If I ever win the lottery, I think I’ll just play gigs until the money runs out.
I got called sir at least twice last night. My new blue stripey shirt is magic. When I put it on, I become male. Either that or anybody with so much stuff strapped to their person must be a man.
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Catholic flip flop

this is too good to wait to post
In 1910, “life” did not begin at egg fertilization for the catholic church. “Neither does [conception] concern the passive conception absolutely and simply (conceptio seminis carnis, inchoata), which, according to the order of nature, precedes the infusion of the rational soul. The person is truly conceived when the soul is created and infused into the body. ” And when does the soul get infused to the body? “at the first moment of [the fetus’] animation.” Um, right, so when did it become a universal truth that birth control drugs were killing a soul? So when do you start to feel the fetus moving around? Not during the first trimester, right?

there’s a word in politics for an institution changing it’s mind like this and then pretending it’s had that same belief forever. that word is “flip-flop.”
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ok

Hillary Swank passes cuz she’s playing a young guy. Also, too bad I didn’t have Dr Dobson around in my youth to set me straight.
Ack. at least he focusses most on biological males. for two reasons: 1. tomboys are not as transgressive. 2. girls don’t matter anyway.
also, the way to make your boys straight is for mothers to defer to fathers all the damn time.
Apparently, if my (hypothetical future) kids call me “dad” it will make them queer. muahahahaha
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New Blog Name etc

I’ve been “groovy” on the web for around 10 years now (my how time flies). I thought I would be an early-re-adopter of the term, but it never really re-attained the popularity it once had. Plus, now it is so 1995. I mentioned the change to some folks at school and they heard the old name and fell over laughing. “What did you rename it to? ‘Gnarly Place’?”

Ok, maybe the new name is equally stupid. I’d have a name-that-blog contest, but I don’t care what you think.
My real website will shortly be re-christened as well, but the process is more complicated as it involves changing graphics, which means doing more than typing something in a little box at blogger. And I have this final exam thing to worry about.
There’s an official question and answer post coming up soon covering moving to france, xena’s fate and the uses of devoir. Submit your questions for inclusion!
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pass NO PASS

If you have an BA/BS degree, you need an 80% to get a pass at UC Berkeley. I am going to fail my french class. It is too late to drop. I cannot switch to a letter grade neither.

This knowledge is not encouraging my studies. Quite the opposite. Maybe if I studied like a madman . . . but I’d rather take a nap.
this is fucking great for applying for phd there. maybe it means i’m not cut out for it.
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oversharing while i procrastinate on chapter 20 and the uses of “devoir”

I am annoyed that I’m still asking the same questions I was asking when I was 12 and 17 years later, I still don’t have answers. Isn’t my saturn return supposed to be done by now? I was searching my blog archives yesterday for “gender binary” to find a quote by Cixous and damn if I don’t have hundreds of posts about it. “I’m fine with my body.” “I don’t know if I’m fine with my body.” “No, I really mean it, I’m fine.” “Well, I dunno.” “Fine! I’m fine!” “I’m really fine this time.” “I’m finally fine.” “Of course, things are great, fine, really.” yeah, periods of unsureness followed by protesting too much?

[TMI warning Skip to next paragraph] Friday night I was looking on the internets and pictures of naked men and damn are they’re kind of weird looking. Of course, they were models and I also think women models are kind of weird looking.
If I do the academic route, I’ll be 30 when I start PhD program, probably 35(?) when I finish, probably at least 40 when I get tenure, if I get tenure. My attempts to talk Cola into bearing my young have been for naught so far. So let’s say I go and have kids. I can either do it after coursework and god knows if I finish my thesis or I can do it during a sabbatical when I’m supposed to be publishing or something or I can wait until I’m too old. Or I can adopt, also when I’m kind of old.
And if I’m still having gender issues and have become reasonably convinced I’m not going to look like a “straight college guys” pron model, um, I can start tweaking my hormones, take a break from that, have a kid and go back to tweaking? Wait until I have a kid and then start tweaking while it’s still young? It’s so hard to figure out how to be a dad in a postmodernist society… ha ha ha.
tomorrow i’ll change my mind again. “i’m fine.” meanwhile, this biological clock ticking thing is a patriarchal lie designed to oppress women by creating a false dilemma where they are forced to chose between career goals and the supposedly “innate” desire to reproduce. Just ask me 10 years ago.
I think I might go to a support group for cross-dressers for one meeting before I’m off to europe. oh my god, i’m so weird.
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