Canon Fodder

I’ve made Christmas albums the last two years and I feel sort of obligated to do another one, although this year is rather a late start.

I’m just listening to what spotify is telling me were my top tracks of 2018 and one lurking in there is the 1812 Overture, which is incredibly cheesy, but is redeemed by it’s cannon fire. I only know of two pieces with canons in them, which suggests there is rather a shortage.

Obviously, as a composer who feels vaguely compelled to put out an album at short notice, I’m well-positioned to address this dire shortage. Indeed, I can think of no Christmas songs with cannons in them at all.

The other piece I know of with cannons in it is Beethoven’s Wellington’s Victory, which doesn’t wait for the end for the big payout, but has cannons starting early and booming often. I almost hate to admit this, but they get really boring. The more heteronormative* model of music structure seems to work best for explosions. Although, the piece is just terrible throughout, with themes from God Save the [Monarch], Rule Britannia and For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow, it is unbearable. The lack of adequate build-up for the cannon fire is only one of it’s sins – although certainly the one with the greatest grinding, grating duration.

This extremely through analysis of the use of cannons in music implies that extremely bombastic Christmas music is called for.

This isn’t the world we dreamed of, but it’s the world we’ve got.

* Yeah, I went there. I’ve got a critique of Feminine Endings, in which I make the argument that some of it is inspired by TERF attacks on Sandy Stone, but I was advised that this would not be a brilliant career move and I should let the dated past stay there. But, I dunno, some of that text actually is useful – the metaphors are really apt when it comes to things like this piece in particular.

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Charles Céleste Hutchins

Supercolliding since 2003

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